To be heard, and not to be.

I run into this a lot.  I let my voice rise up from my heart, and it is not always received in the way I was hoping.

Oops.

Can you relate?  I practice speaking from my heart a lot.  I hope to be responsive, kind, sensitive, respectful, compassionate, courageous, truthful, Graceful.  However, practice is messy and I don't always nail it.  Once my words absorb, bounce off of, bore a hole into, or fly over the head of the receiver, then comes their response.  Sometimes their response is less a response and is more a reaction.  Kind of like, adding oil to a fire.  Sometimes it is disengagement. -Or over-engagement, silence, disregard, retraction.

So, I create a steadfast heart.  One that is prepared and open to whatever the response may be--even if the receiver completely mows over what I just said, without even acknowledging my voice.  More than likely this person isn't being heard somewhere in their life too.  And they don't know what to do with a Wholeheart.  I affirm them regardless if I have been affirmed!  -Because I know affirmation outside of me is not necessary for me to continue to live in Love.

In a recent interaction, I felt the person on the receiving end was plowing through my soul's efforts to place words on my experience, to offer connection and truth from a grounded place.  Speaking from the heart is just not always well-received.  Once someone told me, "People just don't always want to hear what you have to say."  Ouch.  As one of my teachers would name it, a core-wounded identity of mine, I suppose.  One thing, among many, I have learned from that statement is that one is always worth standing in their truth, and whether others are listening or not is irrelevant.  It is more about how we choose to speak up, and whether we can identify if speaking our truth is for everyone's awakening in that moment.

For this particular interaction, I knew I was choosing connection over ego (or my need to be heard). I had great compassion for the person on the other end, realizing they wanted the same thing as me, and just had a different kind of awareness around what it means to be heard.

I know I have people in my life who give me the space to say what I need to say and can go there.  I have journals, this blog, my art, meditation, my own self-love and listening...  If there is a pattern, habit or history that I am looking to rewrite, than I decide there will be another opportunity to have a meaningful conversation, or I can meet the "other person" where they are at in a different way.

In the end, it's about connection.  What connection means for me is that I can trust in my own heart to love and trust others, no matter their response.  Just as I am on my path, they are on their path and processing the world in their capacity.  I want to use words for healing and awakening.  And let silence or surrender do the same.

The Light of a Child's Heart

Get ready to fall in love.  Here's something my son said to me as he pushed along his balance bike on our family walk the other day:

"I'm playing this silly game Mamma.  I am chasing the sunset, trying to catch the light.  It's so silly though, because I don't need to chase the light, I can just reach down and pull it out of my heart!"

I just about swooned.

This is the child who has come to me.  THESE CHILDREN of mine.  -Of the Earth, of God, formed in an infinite crescendo of love.  -Made up of atoms, cells, and fairydust.  They sing straight into my heart.  They never read or analyzed a single yoga sutra, yet they understand so much more about yoga then I do.  They have this embedded consciosness that is woven into their natural state of Being.

It gets me thinking about this response someone once gave me when I said about our children, "They are our greatest teachers."  As if I had said something absurd, she scoffed , "Oh, I don't know about that!"  

If we are open to the world, everything, everyone in the world has something to teach us.  Children carry with them the most beautiful understanding of this without knowing.  Their understanding is in the felt sense.  Children are present, in the moment.   A wave, lapping at the shore, they are, "Now. Now.  Now."

Embedded consciousness.  My children "at work" in their natural state of Being.

Their understanding of the world comes from a different place than many of us.  some folks can't see or feel it.  Literally, children's brain waves function in a lower state the first few years that is akin to day-dreaming. Children are full of wonder, curiosity.  -Their identity is unconsious yet in many ways and their connection much bigger than they are.  They are so much closer to the essence of what Self really represents.  -Be it God, Science, innocence, mystery, Consciousness, creativity, potential.  In this way children are so highly evolved!  As adults, we are so hung up in the words, try to analyze/intellectualize.  How does one pull light out of their heart?  In many ways we are out of touch with our bodies and can't understand what something "drawn from our heart" might feel like.

So plug into your child, or your own inner child, the animals, plants you observe in Nature.  Tune in and listen.  -Let the children and the untainted lead the way.  May you be the shores of their infinite soul, to guide them.  Serve the little one inside of you, children, those who are unjaded, animals, Mother Earth.  Preserve their light, protect their wings, so that they might wake up one more adult to the Grace in their own heart and become one of their greatest teachers.

One of my greatest teachers.

Tis the gift to be simple, tis the gift to be free.

Today I walked along our country road with my two sons delivering homemade cookies to our neighbors.  My younger one delightfully kicked at the leaves, overjoyed at their crunch-crunch sound.  He'd pause, eyes full of wonder, to watch them sigh to the ground.  When we'd arrive at each neighbor's house, I would pull back as I listened to the earnestness from my older son, "We baked these cookies for you..." -Cheerful connection singing from his big heart, "They're REALLY good, I think you'll like them."

Watching my boys brought my attention to the whirling thoughts and overwhelm I was thinking earlier while we went about our morning, baking, reading, making small packages.  -My mind talking me out of the moment: "Will you do Christmas cards this year...the house is a mess, I have to clean it...let's just get these cookies done...I have to pick up some art supplies...when am I going to get to that yoga email?"  ??!!  And this is what I teach!  Stay present; breath; don't let the future (or the past) rule you.  Well, good thing I'm a human.  I have this great opportunity to keep practicing being a superhuman. ;)

I was just at a six-day teacher training, assisting my teacher.  Wow.  I knew it would be a lot, but I have had this nagging feeling in my heart whispering, "Your dharma is to serve big, guide folks along their yogic path.  Serve and guide your children, and SERVE THE HERD!  It's in you."  However, this broadens the terms of the latest contract of what I do:  Mother.  I snuggle; wipe bottoms; look at spiders; go to the planetarium; listen; pick up toys; read books about whales and the sun; have dinosaur puppet shows; play family; make art with pipe cleaners and glitter; go to the local library, Y, grocery store, playground; plan adventures; stay at home; bathe, feed, tuck in and sing to children.  I am happy, frustrated, tired, at peace, annoyed, present, in-a-thousand-places-at-once and I shoot for unconditional love (yet sometimes end up with conditions). 

Of course, there are other contracts I have negotiated with the Universe--yoga teacher, being one of them.  Lately I have been wanting to explore this contract, and at the same time, as I broaden the terms of "who I am" or better stated "what I do", I look at my children, growing up fast, and to be quite honest, I freak out.  Are they growing up too fast?  Or am I just not paying attention?  Is my dharma that imminent?  Or shall I just wait.  Yes, all of you on both sides, or somewhere in the middle can tell me, "Chill out."  And it's all true.  For the whale of self effort I put forth, there is an entire galaxy of surrender.

Keep it simple.  Many of us have the privilege of choosing how we fill our days, where we place our thoughts.  The rest is up to something bigger.  Let the sun seep in, the wind blow you around, the earth ground, the children inspire and teach us how to live in our hearts.  Remember that. 

To be free through the tantric point of view, is to live life fully.  Is to affirm all. -To ask the hard questions.  Choose to explore all the end points, rather than settling on one point.  Consider everything, rather than nothing.  Choose understanding and compassion, rather than judgement and shame.

I hope we can all remember we have the capacity to be simple, free.  We are humans with superhuman capacity.  Let's practice to remember this.

Stand up and sing it loud

Sometimes we aren't truthful for fear of offending anothers sensibilities.  -Or we hold back because we are worried of what others will think.  We make up a story because it hurts too much to have to be honest.  Our mother told us to be polite; our grandmother told us it's not ladylike, or gentleman-like.   -Or it takes courage, wisdom, capacity, acceptance, intimacy, honesty we don't think we have.  Maybe it takes a voice we don't think we have, or two legs we forgot how to stand on.  Maybe fake-it-til-you-make-it was the mantra handed down to you.

There are so many times when I've chosen to not be truthful, for any combination of the above reasons.  Choosing not to speak up when that manager sexually harassed me.  Playing the yes[wo]man because I was in shock, survival mode, and it was just easier to play the tune of those who were speaking my truth for me, instead of with me--or even better, listening to me tell mine.  The times I was embarrassed, and made something up.  The times it felt too messy, and for some reason, I thought truth had to be neat and tidy and sweep-able...  For under the rug, of course.

Well, lately I've been into speaking truthfully, kindly, mindfully, to make up for all those lost truths.  I speak up because it's not only taking responsibility for mySelf, but it's my duty for my children; for the mending of my family's broken pieces and it's awesome continued thriving; for my ancestors to whom I owe it for honoring and healing.  I want future generations to be able to open their eyes, rather than wince in the light of truth.

Here's the thing, what would happen if we DID tell it like it is?  What if we found our breath before the wind knocked us out of our sails, before we decided to wait until later, later when we never did anything about that thing we never stood up for?  What if we bared our soul and became the soft animal of vulnerability?  What would happen?

We can hold space for the pain if we have made a container of joy.  We can speak boldy if we can listen tenderly.  We can stand tall for ourselves, if we look to see that we are not standing on others.  We can love, if we've confronted that which we hate.  We can share when we know how to receive.  We can go into the dark, if we know how to hold the lantern high.

And if we do, we'll have more valuable connection.  We will help to evolve kindness, compassion, acceptance.  We will free ourselves from thinking within our own box of truth by sharing and connecting, speaking and listening to others share their truths.  We will witness and bear witness to one another, perpetuating understanding.

It is when I look for that kernel of Truth inside of me, I realize I need not look outside or to anyone else.  I speak up from that rumbling place in my belly, or that racing heart, or that stuck lump in my throat, or those glassy tears, or that I-can't-stop-smiling draw on the lips.  It comes up and out of me, a sliver of my experience, and the only reason I might look outside of myself, is simply to be inspired and in awe of the rest of the world who holds me, and who I hold.

This message, especially, goes out to my sisters who wonder or have forgotten if they have something important to say.   Go on, you know you do.  We all do.  Speak up!  The children need you to.  Your partners, family, place-of-work, humankind, the next evolution needs it.

Walking with the Self and Great Compassion

Once upon a time, I skipped along a beautiful path with wildflowers and possibility growing up along the edge, and popping up through the cracks of life's hard stones.  I felt contented and at ease.  Well, then, like every exciting path, disrupting my lovely canter, stopping me dead on my tracks I nearly tripped on a lazy poppy of potential--there it was.  A glaring and menacing obstacle.  And, of all things, do you know what is was?  

It was me.  I was perplexed, upset, horrified, scared, discouraged, disappointed, defeated, angry that this obstacle-me, was in the way.  I was full of missteps. I came up with everything possible to discard, forget, toss to the side, yell and point fingers at, run away, walk around me.  Nothing worked.

Finally I decided I would just have to carry me with me.  And it worked!  Me was great company. Me was inspiring and creative.  Me had a great inner compass to help guide I further along.  Me was funny.  Me was fun.  Me could dance and sing.  Me was smarter, more compassionate, and more reliable than I had ever imagined.  I began to understand me and why me was in my own way.  I actually loved me! 

Wow, what a relief that my own obstacle was something I could carry with me in the end.  And to think I might be able to do the same with others now that I had confronted and then comforted me.


In yoga, we are taught to recognize ourSelves in others.  In Chapter 6, verse 9, the Bhagvagita (yogic text of self-realization), even encourages one to be at peace with all and to treat everyone equanimously.  Even the one who has engaged in wrong-action should have your compassion.  As illustrated in the same chapter later in verse 29, we are not separate from those who we think are separate than us.  Consciousness pervades all beings.  The realized self is part of all other entities.  All other entities are a part of our realized self.

All versions of who we perceive ourSelves to be should be recognized as well.  We should give ourSelves our own love and compassion, recognizing of what it is we are capable, and that whether we act upon any given capability, does not solely make up who we are.

I find this helpful when trying to cope with the mistakes, the ineptitude, transgressions I see in myself, and I see in the world.  There is a deeper karma, a cycle that is part of the ancestral lineage of humankind which is hard to see when we need something immediate to blame for our pain, and regressions of humanity. 

If we can seek to better understand ourSelves, and we are willing to carry all parts of ourSelves-even the weight, pain, and struggle; and BECAUSE of our potential, compassion, desire to connect to the Highest, we pave the way for our understanding of others. 

This is the path I want to walk on.  How about you?  Are you choosing to show up for yourself lately?  How about for others?